Trying to figure out when I cared so much. I have this know in my stomach....fretting about another potential deployment. At the least we are friends...but for some strange reason I feel the need to hold onto him....Don't tell anyone I just typed/said all that.

Stop dat HATING....CRANK DEM COWBOYS

I'm snowed in and it is expected to keep coming. I actually have to go to the bank to pay my car note because I forgot all about doing so while in the midst of taking care of everyone else's needs yesterday. Ummm yeah Dirty is back in the picture. I think I stated as much. Reminder for forgetful people and new folks: Dirty and I were dating on and off starting around this time last year. He was deployed to Afghanistan back in June/July. But we had parted ways before then because of one reason or another. I really think it was more fear induced on his end and it resulted in him doing some dumb random crap...(i.e. throwing some chick in my face).

Anyways, he's back and we've been chilling and things appear to be a it different. He's still capable of grinding my nerves and he still has a roaming eye. However, he's fully aware that I will say f* him and do him one better in his face and in front of his folks....and I will assault him (he claims I kicked the hell out him while conversing with some random chick. I don't recall). Things just seem different in a cute yet realistic way.

Yesterday, I had to drive out to Andrews to pick up his license that he left with a mutual buddy. Wait for him to come thru to pick it up. Take my brother to the barber. Pick up my still unlicensed mother. And find time in all that to pack my apartment, take care of clients, and study for my RE exam. Yep...I'm gonna be licensed. It will be better for me as an investor, eventually it will bring in extra income, and I want to be on million dollar listing. I will start off being licensed in VA but will eventually take MD and DC's licensing exams. HA! And I still plan on getting a masters in forensics at some point.

Ummmm yeah but he's not why I am writing. I am stressed....my body is all types of messed up because of it.

I feel like I'm in the red zone and that's moreso because I don't have any control of this situation. I was supposed to be moving into a new home but because of the economic standing of the condo complex, the bank denied the loan. Yeah...frustrating for me. For three months I had my heart set on a piece of property and at the last minute it was snatched up. I can understand the banks rationale and I appreciate it because it was a benefit in the long run. But the frustrating thing is the incident could have been prevented if my loan officer, mortgage counselor, and real estate agent caught the red flag that I wouldn't have known anything about as a first time home buyer. I had to google the reason for denial to understand. The complex was nice and affordable in PG County. PG's property taxes are on the high end....5,000+. Now, I can lift my hands and eyes to the heavens and say okay God, I know you have something in motion. There is a reason and your plan must be bigger and better than what I can fully understand. And please believe it's taken a lot to get to that point where I'm dependent, trusting, and leaning on God's will. Really it has. When my brother went through his battle with cancer two times I was absolutely angry with God, closed myself off, rarely called on him, and was not totally trusting. I saw every bad thing that occurred during that time as a testament that he has totally removed his hedge of protection over my life, even though I was blessed with the simplest things at that time. I began to remember childhood hurts and used it to fuel my fire (sexual assault as a child, some broken relationships, etc.) I was just angry, numb, and hella reckless. I may never understand why my brother's cancer triggered all that but the point is, I moved out of that mind frame and understood that my brother's struggle and my family's struggle while going through was meant for good in the long run and not harm. I rapidly got to a place of peace all because God mended my heart and I humbled myself to allow him to work. I'm still a work in progress though. I still have that anger streak and I will fire off on anyone in a second if they cross me. Don't let the smile fool ya....

I've been sighing all week though. And I keep asking Lord, please show me what you want me to see...where are you taking me...I need your direction. At the moment I can't see it....I just can't visualize where He is carrying me. And I know that's because I'm wanting right now results. I have to restart this process. All of what I looked at is off the market and I am partially responsible for not pushing my REA at the time for not showing me two other properties in the area all because I made an offer on the condo. Yeah!

Right now, not much is on the market at what I am qualified for in my area. I am in a position to save because *dun dun dun* I'm moving back home. Unfortunately/fortunately for me, I told my apartment complex that I'd be moving. Yeah! Thank God my parents had not moved to NC because I don't know where I would have lived. I'm sure my uncles would have taken care of me and/or grandparents. The saving part is great because when I actually find something, I can put more money down.

My only assurance is knowing that God has a plan. However, I'm not totally sold on the reality of having to move back home. I want to sleep on my pillow top mattress (it will be in storage), I want to lay in my bed and watch my TV with my Direct TV hook up (there is not a box in my former room), and I wanna be able to walk around or retreat to my space like I want to without any interference. I don't want to be my mother's personal river nor my father's go to person when he needs a favor. Yeah stressful. I foresee driving out to visit Dirty will be frequent but it's still not gonna be the same. Eventually (within a 5 hour time frame) I'm gonna wanna get away to my solitude.

I see the positives....I know that I am blessed. I am aware that it could have been worse but I don't know why, I am 1) stressing myself out about the situation (it is what it is) and why I just want to cry and scream "Lord, really do you see this. Why hang the carrot?." I don't cry (at least not much) so that is totally out of the question. Screaming maybe....

My midnight hour may be a long and extensive one...but it's all for His glory...however way you bless me is what I've sang and I absolutely have to be real about that now in all areas of my life.

Who knows...Dirty and I may fall in love and he will blessed through God to buy me a house to make a home....lol. Military benefits....yay!!!!! (a friend and I joke about that often) *not holding my breath*